sroni

Hilarious segment of a fanfic. Alas, I don't remember the author's name... if I did, I truly would credit the genius for this thoroughly enjoyable story.

"Oh, please," Kate said. "Trust me, I've gone against my share of vampires before, and they're all dead. Well, except one."

"Don't feel bad," Riley said. "I threw down with one who got away. Of course, he was...different."

"Not as different as mine," Kate said.

"Oh, yeah? Get this: mine was my girlfriend's ex."

"That's nothing," Kate said. "Mine has a soul."

Riley's jaw dropped. He asked:

"Brooding guy? Long black jacket? About a gallon of dippity-do in his hair?"

Kate scowled. She asked:

"You know Angel?"

"Hey," Graham said. "Will you two keep it down?"

"I don't believe this," Riley said. "Is every woman I meet for the rest of my life going to turn out to be one of Angel's old girlfriends?"

"We worked together," Kate replied. "I wasn't his girlfriend!"

"Yeah, right," Riley said. "Mr. Tall, Dark and Oh-So-Distant-Yet-Vulnerable-In-A-Strong-Silent-Way didn't do anything for you."

"No, he didn't," Kate insisted. "I was a cop. He was a P.I. That's it."

"Oh, come on," Riley said. "I saw that look in your eyes when you mentioned him. Trust me. I've seen that look before. A lot."

"There's no look," Kate said. "Besides, it's too dark in here for you to see my eyes."

"Cut it out," Graham said. "A vamp could hear both of you a mile away."

"So you just worked together," Riley said skeptically. "So you're telling me you two never dated?"

"Of course not," Kate said. "It was always business. Well, one time I asked him to go to a bar."

"That's a date!"

"It wasn't like that," Kate responded defensively. "It was my father's retirement party!"

"He met your parents?!?"

"Oh, for Christ's sake," Graham exclaimed. "Will the two of you shut up? Jesus, we're supposed to be lying in wait, and you two are making more noise than a couple of howler monkeys! I don't believe this! I spent the last month in the jungle sweating my ass off, hunting the minions of Evil, and listening to some heartsick farm boy moan and groan about his stupid blonde girlfriend and her James-Dean-vampire-boy-toy. Now I get a three day pass, and what happens? Do I get to drink and whore around like any other soldier on leave? No, I get to sit in a morgue setting a trap for a hoard of the undead, and listen to you two yammer on and on about your pathetic sex lives! Well, save it! Save it for after we slay the vampires! Save it for group therapy! Save it for the goddamed Ricki Lake show for all I care, but save it! I can't stand it anymore! Shut up!"

Riley blinked, and then said:

"Graham, I think that's the most I've ever heard you say at one time."

"SHUT UP!"

Riley bit his bottom lip, took a deep breath through his nose, and exhaled. After a moment of silence, Kate muttered:

"I wasn't his girlfriend."

Graham's jaw tensed. He covered his eyes with his hand and dropped his head.

*laughs* That put me right into a good mood.