Ngah

I feel like my emotions are all jammed into a blender at high speed, and I’m left having to deal with the mush. The only thing is, to deal with it, I have to know what emotions they are. And I don’t. Has anyone seen Freaks and Geeks? Well, there’s this one scene where Sam and Neil are making a concoction that Bill has to drink. He has to keep his eyes closed so that he doesn’t know what’s going into the sludge, while they mix everything up, and then turn it into a smoothie. Well, that’s what I feel like with my emotions. Like I’ve been blindfolded, and all my emotions are all mixed together, and I have no clue what’s in them, but I have to work through them.

It’s rough.

To cheer myself up, I decided to write a drabble.

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She’s slipping off the edge. She can feel it. She’s sliding off the edge of a cliff into utter darkness, and that thought scares her more than any other thing she’s dealt with. She’s trying to keep it from happening. She’s holding on, but only tenuously. She’s clinging to the edge by her fingernails.

Her friends will save her.

What a joke. She doesn’t have friends.

He will save her.

No, he won’t. Why should he? She wasn’t anything to him.

She couldn’t fall. She wouldn’t fall.

She was clinging to the edge of the cliff by her fingernails.

But fingernails break.

Pray. Please pray.

I logged onto LJ to see what’s going on with people’s lives. The first entry I found was from my daddy. This is what he said about my mom. (As in copy and paste).

I got a call from my son this morning. She’d gotten off work yesterday morning, called to tell him that she was going to sleep for awhile (she’d just finished a night-to-morning shift) before trying to make the drive to mid-state to spend time with him and her parents.

She didn’t make the drive. No big, it made sense that she might have slept a bit late, decided that the weather — there were tornado warnings — made a drive inadvisable at that time. We don’t know for sure, though, and we can’t contact her because her phone service has been suspended because she didn’t pay the bill on time.

I called my brother; he’s staying with his daughter right now, and she lives on the same street as Susan and me. He checked our house, told me her vehicle wasn’t in the driveway. I called our son back, told him that news, and advised him not to worry, she was probably en route as we spoke.

He called me back four hours later. Still hasn’t seen her, heard from her … his phone is on the same contract is hers, so he’s having to borrow one from a friend, meaning that even if she DID try to call him, she wouldn’t know what number to try.

I’ve been waiting for some further information from him. Not much point in him calling to tell me he hasn’t heard anything. But no call means he hasn’t heard anything. She already finished work for the week, so nobody there would know anything. All the people she knows are in the same town where our son is going to college. If she’s not at home, the only places she would go are the places she was scheduled to go: to see our son, to visit her parents. Neither he nor I know anywhere else to check.

He asked me if it was okay to be really irritated with her, as well as worried.

Right now, I’m having trouble doing anything but worry.

End copy and paste.

I’m on the same service as my family, so I know that they couldn’t have contacted me to let me know what’s going on, other than what they did do: put it up where I could see it as soon as I logged on.

I’m worried. Really worried. I know my Mom. She might be a little disorganized, but she would have found a way to contact someone to let them know she wouldn’t be coming down: borrowed a phone from someone and called my grandparents to let them know she wouldn’t be coming. Used a pay phone, something. If she could, at any rate.

Or if it occurred to her.

But I also know that it would occur to her. She worries about people. As such, she knows that people worry about her.

I’m worried, and there’s nothing I can do because I'm not there. All I can do is pray.

And ask other people to pray.

So please.

Pray.