“Enemies” 7/14

[sroni]

A whistling Xander walked into the kitchen. “Hey, what’s this?” his blonde Slayer friend of the Buffy shape asked. “I haven’t heard you whistle in … well, ever, actually.”

“You kidding?” Anya spoke up. “He always whistles after sex.” Instantly every head in the kitchen swiveled to look at him.

He could feel his ears turn the color of Willow’s hair as he sank into a chair. “I —” He was cut off by Faith’s entrance.

She smiled, not seeming to notice anyone else in the room, and sat in his lap. “Hey, I woke up and you were gone. What happened?”

“I figured I’d make us something to eat. I was going to surprise you with it, but other people seemed to have other ideas,” he finished, glaring slightly at Anya.

His ex-girlfriend responded first. “Hey, sorry. Didn’t know I was stepping over any bounds.”

“Hey, Ahn?”

“Yeah, what?”

“Love ya, too.” She rolled her eyes and stuck out her tongue at him.

Faith grinned and pinched his nose. “You’re sweet, you know that? C’mon, let’s go for good. I’m having a huge craving for grease.” She kissed him.

“Mickey D’s it is, then.” He let her pull him to his feet, and they left.

Willow gaped after them. “Did she just —?”

“Yeah.” Kennedy answered.

“And he just —?”

“Uh-huh.”

“And they just —?”

“Yep.”

Willow looked over at Buffy. “Wow.”

“Wow,” Buffy echoed, equally shell shocked.

“What’s the big deal? Didn’t he and Faith have sex in, like, high school?” Lauren asked. “I mean, that’s what Andrew said.”

“Rule number one. Don’t believe anything that Andrew said. Yeah, they had sex, but they didn’t kiss.” Anya looked at all the eyes staring at her. “What? They didn’t. He told me once … when Willow cast that truth spell. And after they orgasmed, she kicked him out. The next thing he told me was that she tried to kill him.” Anya spoke matter-of-factly.

“Hold up. Have any of Xander’s dates not tried to kill him?” Rona demanded. “’Cause it sounds a lot like all of them have.”

“Cordelia.” Buffy and Willow spoke together, looked at each other and grinned.

Anya shook her head. “Nope. She tried to run over him with her car.”

Buffy began ticking off fingers. “Praying mantis lady tried to bite his head off, Ampata tried to suck him dry, Cordelia, Will–” Willow shook her head. “Okay, never mind that one, Faith, Amy, Anya —” Buffy spoke hopefully, but Anya interrupted her with a hand.

“Nope. Same universe that vampire Willow came from, also had vampire Xander. It counts.”

“Harmony tried to vamp him. Did he ever date that Nancy girl?” Willow shook her head. “That one chick that used his blood to open the seal … yeah, that’s about it.” Buffy turned to Rona. “Nope. Every one of them has tried to kill him at some point or another. That’s why Willow came up with the beeper system of, ‘My date’s trying to kill me’.”

Vi, Rona, and Lauren just stared at her. “Is he the exception to the rule, or is that pretty much the rule?” Vi ventured. “’Cause, I gotta say, I’m really not liking that rule.” Anya, Willow, and Buffy shared a glance. “Okay, have any of you not dated someone who tried to kill you?” Vi looked pointedly at Dawn.

“Me? Uh-uh. My first kiss was a vampire who started going for my neck. Anya — never mind, I forgot about troll guy. Buffy —” Buffy glared at her. “Nobody needs to hear about Buffy’s sexcapades. Willow —” Dawn brightened up considerably. “No one’s tried to kill you, have they, Wills?”

The witch shook her head. “Nope.” Her face fell. “Except Oz got out of his cage that one time, and Buffy tranked him up. I guess that counts. It’s not fair, though, he was only like that three nights out of the month.”

Lauren leaned on the table. “Let me get this straight. You dated a werewolf?”

Willow glared. “No. I dated Oz, who happened to be a werewolf. There’s a difference. Anyway, even if he didn’t count, there was also the internet demon. I forgot about him.”

Giles entered the kitchen and gave Anya a kiss, and Buffy leaped out of her seat. “Giles!” He turned to her, but she didn’t notice. “Giles never dated anyone who tried to kill him.”

“Well, that’s not exactly true.”

Buffy turned to look at him. “What do you mean? Why didn’t I know about that?”

“Because it's not that important.”

Anya sighed. “He’s trying to protect me. In the universe where I lost my powers, I tried to kill him. But I wouldn’t do it now.” Anya and Giles had been dating for a month at that time. A lot of people might look at it and call it robbing the cradle. And they’d be right. The only problem was, they’d be calling it in the wrong direction.

Buffy though a moment, then asked, “Why was Faith’s hair green?”

Willow squeaked and turned bright red. “I didn’t mean to! I just thought about it, and I don’t know how to fix it. I’ve already tried, and it didn’t work. She made me mad. She’s just lucky it was her hair I turned green. I was thinking of her trying to look tough with blue skin.”

Previous Part          Next Part