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Between the Lines of Fear and Blame (the “How to Save a Life” Remix)
Round 3 of the Circle of Friends Remix is now open for reading at ![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-community.gif)
cof_remix.
Title: Between the Lines of Fear and Blame (The “How to Save a Life” Remix)
Author: SRoni
Fandom: Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Rating: PG-13. Nothing that you wouldn't see on the show.
Disclaimer: Characters from Buffy the Vampire Slayer are property of Joss Whedon, Mutant Enemy, Kuzui Enterprises, Sandollar Television, the WB, and UPN.
Original story: No More Be Grieved" by![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
eilandesq
A lot of things had changed since Sunnydale became “the Town that Was”. Slayers mostly went out in teams, to make the conditions as safe as possible. They tried to have at least one person certified in First Aid on each team, just in case. The Slayers had to write reports about the patrols, and the Watchers wrote their own reports as well, to teach the girls responsibility and professionalism. But one of the things that had stayed the same was that Buffy would frequently go out by herself to patrol. One of the changes was that, more often than not, Xander went with her.
Xander was Xander. He had no illusions about his fighting skills. Because he’d been a member of the Scooby Gang since he was sixteen, he knew how to. He’d even started training after everything in Sunnydale, needing to learn how to compensate for the fact that he had a literal blindside. But he also knew that his best bet when out with Buffy was to be prepared to help out as needed, shout a warning, whatever, because a Vampire Slayer, he was not. So he and Buffy were walking through one of the countless cemetaries, like they do, and Buffy was dealing with vampires, like she does, and while she was dealing with them, Xander spotted a vampire heading towards her with a nasty looking dagger, so he tackled her out of the way, the dagger burying itself in his arm, like he does.
That was something else that had stayed the same. Xander would protect Buffy from anything he could, heedless of the dangers to himself.
He was unconscious before he hit the ground, oblivious to Buffy’s worried voice.
* * *
Xander was standing in a desert. The sun was bright, and he really wished he had sunglasses with him, because the sand was picking up the glare of the sun and sending it at him doubly bright.
“This is where it begins.” Xander turned to the voice he hadn’t heard in more than a year, and hadn’t expected to hear again. Tara smiled shyly at him, the wind pulling at her dress and the sun not seeming to bother her.
“Where what begins?” You’d think that Xander would be freaking out over the fact that he was in a desert in broad daylight when a few moments before, he’d been in a graveyard at night, being stabbed by a dagger, but he really wasn’t. Confused, yes, but strangely at peace.
Tara brushed some of the sand off of his face. “You have unsettled matters between you and women. You will be judged by trial by combat, though you will be given a Champion to defend you.” Another soft Tara smile, those eyes full of pain and hope. “I’m sorry. I’m rooting for you, as much as I’m allowed.”
Of course it was trial by combat. It always seemed to go that way. Xander supposed he should count himself lucky that he wasn’t simply being disembowled for whatever the unresolved issues were. “But I love women. No one loves women more than me. Except maybe Tony Stark, but, hey, the only reason he gets so much more play than I do is because he’s a rich superhero.”
Another sad smile. “Some women would disagree, Xander. Your Champion arrives.”
Xander turned to see who Tara was talking about, and saw Joyce Summers perched on one of the rocks rising out of the sand. “Are you my Champion, Miss Summers?” His brow wrinkled with no small amount of confusion.
Joyce smiled reassuringly at him. “Oh, no, Xander. I’m the judge, to make sure everything goes according to plan, as well as to weigh in my decision at the end of the trials. While your Champion fights for you, you need to confess any underlying issues that you wish you had dealt with and attempt to make what amends you can.”
Kennedy snapped her fingers, a sword grasped in her hand. “Want to tell me why I’m in the middle of a desert when a few minutes ago, I was on a beach in Rio? I’m missing out on WIllow in the sun time, and that pisses me off.”
Xander gave a sheepish little wave. “Apparently, you’re my Champion.”
“Oh, fantastic,” Kennedy let out an irritated huff. “All right. What am I Championing you against?”
Xander shrugged. “I really don’t know. Women that I’ve wronged?”
“Oh, Christ!” Kennedy’s lip curled a little. “That’s going to take forever! I’ve heard the stories.”
“Hey, don’t believe everything you hear!” Xander yelped. “My friends exaggerate. It’s a fact.”
Kennedy raised an eyebrow at him. “So you weren’t involved with a Praying Mantis lady that preyed on virgins? And a life-sucking Inca Mummy? Or any of the other stories I’ve been told?”
Xander scuffed his toes against the sand. “They might be based on fact,” he admitted. “But only based. Still exaggerated. Why are you my Champion, anyway?”
It was Kennedy’s turn to look away for a moment. “I owe you.”
“What?” His face showed his confusion. “What do you mean I owe you? I don’t remember you owing me anything.”
The words seemed to spill out of Kennedy. “The night in the vineyard. You knocked me out of the way, and that’s how Caleb got ahold of you. And the worst part, the absolute worst part is, I know you’d do it again, even though you don’t like me, because that’s just who you are.” Kennedy whipped around to glare at Tara. “What’s the deal here? I didn’t want to tell him all that!”
Tara gave an enigmatic smile that was so unequivocally Tara that Xander couldn’t help but smile, as well. “It’s the nature of the arena. This is a place for inner thoughts and feelings to be laid bare. You can shape your responses, if you so choose and are fast enough, but you can’t lie. That would defeat the purpose, after all.”
Xander had, of course, already clued into the fact that the Tara-shaped being in front of him wasn’t Tara. The words she was using wasn’t right. But the tones and inflections, her expressions, they were all so perfectly Tara that he was just soaking them up. Though he hadn’t loved her like Willow had, he had still loved her.
Kennedy continued glaring at Tara. “Well, here’s an inner thought and feeling for you: do you know how hard it is to be the first girlfriend after you? All I hear from people is how not like you I am. You were so sweet and so good, and so perfect. Coming after a ghost really sucks,” the dark haired girl complained bitterly.
Xander repressed the urge to point out that that wasn’t the result of following a ghost, but rather a result of following Tara. But he really didn’t want to piss off the girl that was fighting on behalf of him.
Tara smiled reassuringly at Kennedy. “You’ll find your own way. Willow loves how outspoken you are. That was something I could never be. Watch out.”
The sword whistled through the air, and Kennedy got her own sword up in time to block it. She parried quickly, putting the new arrival on defense, and Xander knew that Faith hated to be on defense. She definitely preferred to be on the attacking side.
Faith spun, her hair fanning out behind her. “Sorry, not my idea here!” Her voice was full of bitterness, and Xander had some idea of just how much Faith would hate to not be fully in control of her actions. Xander had spent his own fair amount of time as a spider eating butt monkey. Judging by the way she was moving, though, she was fighting against it as much as possible, giving Kennedy a fighting chance against Faith.
Kennedy grimaced, her leg darting out to try to catch Faith in the thigh. Faith flipped away neatly, and Xander was impressed all over again at how these girls smaller than him could move. “Yeah, whatever, deal with your crap with Xander so we can move on and sing kumbayas, okay?”
Faith’s body moved in a way that could only be described as a whole body shrug (hey, it’s hard to shrug your shoulders when you’re fighting with a sword). “I ain’t got no beef with Cyclops. Is that why I’m here?”
Kennedy shot a glare at Xander. “Then you deal with your crap with Faith! Either way, get it dealt with.”
Xander really wasn’t a fan of no-holds-barred, baring-your-soul conversations. Sure, he did it sometimes with Buffy and Willow, but they’d earned it from him. But Faith deserved this conversation, and while he didn’t really want to have it in front of Kennedy, he didn’t want her to get hurt because of him, either. Kennedy was a solid Slayer, yeah, and better than he’d expected considering her attitude, but Faith and Buffy were in a league of their own. Even with Faith not fighting with her all, the fight could only go on for so long before someone (Kennedy) got hurt. “Faith, I messed up with you. You deserved better.”
Faith raised an eyebrow at him, her sword a blur to Xander’s eye, and yet, somehow, Kennedy still managed to block it. “You remember that I tried to kill you, right?”
“Yeah. Which I thought meant I didn’t owe you an apology. You know, I should have done better by you, you tried to kill me, it’s all good, and hey, I can hate you. But I never hated you, and it didn’t make us even. Faith, I knew what kind of motel you were staying in. Besides which, even if it were actually a good one, a hotel? Really not the best place for a Slayer to stay. My place wouldn’t have been a lot better, but you could have stayed with Willow. Her parents wouldn’t have even noticed a second girl there. Or we could have talked to Joyce, the most motherly person in the existence of ever. Point is, there were options, and I didn’t take them, and I’m sorry, and now can you please stop fighting Kennedy?”
Kennedy did some kind of twisting motion and Faith’s sword went flying out of her hand. Xander wasn’t stupid, and he knew what that meant. His lips quirked up at Faith. “I guess that means you accept my apology?”
Faith shoved her hair out of her face. “Still don’t think you really had anything to be sorry for, but, yeah. It’s obvious that you needed to say it and hear that it’s all good. So, yeah, it’s all good, Xander. And for what it’s worth, I’m sorry for... well, a lot of it, actually. The wham-bam-thank-you-Xan, kicking you out afterwards, choking you, and then trying to kill everyone. And then taking over Buffy’s body and all the stuff that happened then.” Faith giving an apology made her look about as comfortable as she’d look wearing one of Buffy’s fuzzy pink sweaters. Faith scuffed her toes a few times against the sand, and Xander realized that the last time he’d seen Faith looking that unsure of herself was when she’d first arrived in Sunnydale. “Thanks for the letters you sent me in prison. They helped a lot. You and Angel were the only people who kept regular contact. It meant a lot.”
Kennedy’s head snapped up from where she was taking a breather, the sweat from the fight cooling on her body. “You wrote Faith letters? Does Willow know about that?”
Xander shook his head at Kennedy. “Contrary to popular belief, I don’t tell Willow everything. It wasn’t any of her business.” He focused his attention back on Faith. “It’s okay, Faith. You were a teenager, and you freaked out. You’ve tried to make up for it since then.”
Faith gave him a small smile. “And the letters?”
Xander shrugged. “They helped me, too. Besides. I liked hearing that you were doing better.”
Faith sat on the outcropping of rocks next to Tara, and Kennedy straightened up, aware that her little break was over. Anya swung the sword with both hands, lacking the strength of the Slayers, and Kennedy blocked it effortlessly. “Don’t hurt her,” Xander yelled at the brunette Slayer.
Kennedy grunted, blocking another swing with smooth control that wasn’t as effortless as the first now that she was working to not hurt Anya. “Wasn’t planning on it, Xander. Get your crap dealt with so I don’t have to keep blocking, okay?”
Xander started talking quickly, absorbing Anya’s presence as he did so, taking in all the little details of her, like the little line of determination between her eyebrows, the roots that were just beginning to show, the curve of her body against the hot desert air. “Anya, I’m sorry. You deserved a lot better than me, and I’m sorry for the wedding. It’s not that I didn’t trust you. I didn’t trust me.”
Anya gave him a look, swinging her sword clunkily. Rather than block, Kennedy just dodged it. “I know that. You still left me alone at our wedding. I had to explain to everyone that you had changed your mind. You left, you should have had to tell everyone! That’s the way it should work.” Another swing, and another dodge from Kennedy. “But no, you left, and I was left to tell everyone that you’d decided no, you weren’t going to marry me. Do you have any idea how humiliating that was? To tell my coworkers that I had fallen in love with a man who had changed his mind about me?” Anya gritted her teeth in determination, brown eyes scarred with hurt. “I gave up everything I was for you, Xander.”
“I know.” He spoke quietly, accepting full blame for something he knew was his fault. “I should have talked to you about the doubts I was feeling before our wedding day. I think we were right to not get married, but it shouldn’t have happened like that.”
Anya spoke bitterly, slashing at Kennedy, while Kennedy pirouetted away. “And the worst part is, I lost my best friend. We barely even spoke for a year, Xander!”
Xander couldn’t say the same back to her. Willow and Buffy had cemented themselves as his best friends before he’d even met Anya, let alone fell in love with her. So instead, he just nodded and said simply, “I’m sorry, Ahn. You deserved better.”
Anya dropped the sword to the sand, sending a puff of dust up when it hit the ground. “How does this work? Do I have to say something ceremonious or something?”
Well, that had been easy. Xander assumed it had something to do with him feeling guilty for something that Anya had already mostly worked through on her own, so she wasn’t clinging to the hurt and bitterness.
Tara shook her head. “You’re simply supposed to say whatever is inside you.”
Anya dove into Xander’s arms, hugging him tight. “I missed you.”
Xander kissed the top of her head. “I missed you, too.”
“Do me a favour?” She tilted her head up to look at him, and continued, “Be happy. You messed up with me, but you’re still a good guy. There’s a reason I fell in love with you.”
“I’ll try, Ahn. I just haven’t been feeling the romance lately.”
Anya gave him a sad smile. “Well, try. Let me live vicariously through you.”
“Are you happy where you are?” Xander needed to know that she was in a safe place. He didn’t know how he’d fix it if she weren’t, but he needed to know for his own peace of mind.
“I am. I get to look in on the people who mattered, and it makes me sad to see you not happy. So be happy so I can be happy.”
Xander was interrupted from replying by a sudden yell from Kennedy. “Oh, hell no! Not happening!” He looked over to see what she was yelling about, and saw Buffy approaching, sword drawn but not at the ready. “I am not fighting her, Xander. I don’t care how much I owe you.”
“I never thought you owed me, Kennedy.”
Kennedy glared at him. “Which is part of why I owed you. I’m still not fighting her. I’m not stupid enough to not realize that there’s no real reason I should have won against Faith. Not even trying against Buffy.”
Buffy grinned wolfishly at Kennedy, spinning the sword in a flashy movement. “You don’t wanna have at it and see what happens?”
“Nope.” Kennedy spoke flatly. “I have enough realism to know that you’d own my ass and enough pride to not want to see it happen.” And if that wasn’t proof that Kennedy had grown as a person, not just a Slayer, Xander didn’t know what was.
Buffy shrugged, hopping up on the rock next to Xander. “Let’s skip the hack and slash with the pointy object, then. Since when do we need a sword fight to talk through things, anyway?”
Faith tossed a stone, sending it arcing through the air. “How did you fight against the need to slice and dice?”
“I think Kennedy not wanting to fight helped. If she’d been willing, it probably would have been harder.” Buffy’s brow furrowed as she thought, before she shrugged again. “Meh. Not a big deal, really. So. Whatcha need to talk to me about, Xan?”
“Willow says kick his ass.” Xander ducked his head.
Buffy’s eyes widened. “Oh. We’re finally going to talk about this, after ignoring it for over five years?”
Xander shrugged, a ghost of a smile on his face. “It seemed like the thing to do. I mean, I’m here, you’re here, supposed to deal with stuff that never got dealt with, all that jazz.”
“You know that I’m not stupid, right? I remember Willow’s reaction when I brought it up with the whole Anya thing.” Buffy arched a slim eyebrow at him.
He nodded. “I know. But I guess we’re supposed to talk about it, so. I lied. And I could tell you that it’s because the world was at stake and you were at stake, and yeah, that’s true, but there’s still that part of me that wanted Angel out of the way because he was stupid when it came to you and you were stupid when it was about him, and I was stupid about both of you, and really, there was just a lot of stupid going around.”
Buffy gave a humourless laugh. “Really? That’s what you’re going with? That we were all stupid?”
“Hey, if it’s true, it’s true. Mostly, and I can’t stress this enough, I was the one who was being stupid when it came to him. I just couldn’t see straight, especially when it was him and you.”
She scootched closer to him on the rock. “Anything else you need to add in?”
“I’d do it again, if the same situation came up. Because I don’t think I was wrong. He would have killed you and the world was at stake.” Xander thought for a long moment. “Yeah, I think that’s it. You’re taking this a lot better than I thought you would.”
Buffy shrugged once again. “Hey. Like I said, I’m not stupid. I put the pieces together after Willow said ‘I never said —’. We’re okay, if that’s what you’re worried about.”
Xander looked to Tara. “Is there anything else that needs to happen?”
She stood, brushing the sand off her skirt. “Now comes the judgment.” The five of them looked at Joyce expectantly.
Joyce smiled encouragingly at Xander. “Your Champion fought well and defended you admirably.”
Kennedy snorted. “Yeah, this wasn’t really trial by combat, was it? You wanted me to work through my issues with Xander, too, didn’t you?”
“Not just with Xander. With yourself as well,” Tara explained. “You’ve been comparing yourself to myself, Faith and Buffy, and found yourself wanting. Stop comparing yourself to legends and ghosts, and just be you. Willow chose you for a reason, and she’s a good judge of people.”
Kennedy leaned on the sword, much the way she had when she’d first arrived in the desert. “Does that mean we can wake up now? Because seriously. Beach with Willow. I want to get as much Beach-Willow time as I can.”
Joyce smiled at the impulsive Slayer. “Yes. You can go home. The issues that needed to come to light have, and that was the point of this.” Joyce, Tara and Faith seemed to shimmer brightly, and then faded from visibility.
Xander slung his arms around Buffy and Faith, and made a gesture at Kennedy for her to join the group shuffle-hug. “Is this where I’m supposed to say that there’s no place like home? Because I don’t have the ruby slippers.”
He’s pretty sure that he heard Buffy groan before he woke up.
The Wizard of Oz did have a point, though. There really was no place like home.
THE END
cof_remix.Title: Between the Lines of Fear and Blame (The “How to Save a Life” Remix)
Author: SRoni
Fandom: Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Rating: PG-13. Nothing that you wouldn't see on the show.
Disclaimer: Characters from Buffy the Vampire Slayer are property of Joss Whedon, Mutant Enemy, Kuzui Enterprises, Sandollar Television, the WB, and UPN.
Original story: No More Be Grieved" by
eilandesqBetween the Lines of Fear and Blame
(the “How to Save a Life” Remix)
A lot of things had changed since Sunnydale became “the Town that Was”. Slayers mostly went out in teams, to make the conditions as safe as possible. They tried to have at least one person certified in First Aid on each team, just in case. The Slayers had to write reports about the patrols, and the Watchers wrote their own reports as well, to teach the girls responsibility and professionalism. But one of the things that had stayed the same was that Buffy would frequently go out by herself to patrol. One of the changes was that, more often than not, Xander went with her.
Xander was Xander. He had no illusions about his fighting skills. Because he’d been a member of the Scooby Gang since he was sixteen, he knew how to. He’d even started training after everything in Sunnydale, needing to learn how to compensate for the fact that he had a literal blindside. But he also knew that his best bet when out with Buffy was to be prepared to help out as needed, shout a warning, whatever, because a Vampire Slayer, he was not. So he and Buffy were walking through one of the countless cemetaries, like they do, and Buffy was dealing with vampires, like she does, and while she was dealing with them, Xander spotted a vampire heading towards her with a nasty looking dagger, so he tackled her out of the way, the dagger burying itself in his arm, like he does.
That was something else that had stayed the same. Xander would protect Buffy from anything he could, heedless of the dangers to himself.
He was unconscious before he hit the ground, oblivious to Buffy’s worried voice.
Xander was standing in a desert. The sun was bright, and he really wished he had sunglasses with him, because the sand was picking up the glare of the sun and sending it at him doubly bright.
“This is where it begins.” Xander turned to the voice he hadn’t heard in more than a year, and hadn’t expected to hear again. Tara smiled shyly at him, the wind pulling at her dress and the sun not seeming to bother her.
“Where what begins?” You’d think that Xander would be freaking out over the fact that he was in a desert in broad daylight when a few moments before, he’d been in a graveyard at night, being stabbed by a dagger, but he really wasn’t. Confused, yes, but strangely at peace.
Tara brushed some of the sand off of his face. “You have unsettled matters between you and women. You will be judged by trial by combat, though you will be given a Champion to defend you.” Another soft Tara smile, those eyes full of pain and hope. “I’m sorry. I’m rooting for you, as much as I’m allowed.”
Of course it was trial by combat. It always seemed to go that way. Xander supposed he should count himself lucky that he wasn’t simply being disembowled for whatever the unresolved issues were. “But I love women. No one loves women more than me. Except maybe Tony Stark, but, hey, the only reason he gets so much more play than I do is because he’s a rich superhero.”
Another sad smile. “Some women would disagree, Xander. Your Champion arrives.”
Xander turned to see who Tara was talking about, and saw Joyce Summers perched on one of the rocks rising out of the sand. “Are you my Champion, Miss Summers?” His brow wrinkled with no small amount of confusion.
Joyce smiled reassuringly at him. “Oh, no, Xander. I’m the judge, to make sure everything goes according to plan, as well as to weigh in my decision at the end of the trials. While your Champion fights for you, you need to confess any underlying issues that you wish you had dealt with and attempt to make what amends you can.”
Kennedy snapped her fingers, a sword grasped in her hand. “Want to tell me why I’m in the middle of a desert when a few minutes ago, I was on a beach in Rio? I’m missing out on WIllow in the sun time, and that pisses me off.”
Xander gave a sheepish little wave. “Apparently, you’re my Champion.”
“Oh, fantastic,” Kennedy let out an irritated huff. “All right. What am I Championing you against?”
Xander shrugged. “I really don’t know. Women that I’ve wronged?”
“Oh, Christ!” Kennedy’s lip curled a little. “That’s going to take forever! I’ve heard the stories.”
“Hey, don’t believe everything you hear!” Xander yelped. “My friends exaggerate. It’s a fact.”
Kennedy raised an eyebrow at him. “So you weren’t involved with a Praying Mantis lady that preyed on virgins? And a life-sucking Inca Mummy? Or any of the other stories I’ve been told?”
Xander scuffed his toes against the sand. “They might be based on fact,” he admitted. “But only based. Still exaggerated. Why are you my Champion, anyway?”
It was Kennedy’s turn to look away for a moment. “I owe you.”
“What?” His face showed his confusion. “What do you mean I owe you? I don’t remember you owing me anything.”
The words seemed to spill out of Kennedy. “The night in the vineyard. You knocked me out of the way, and that’s how Caleb got ahold of you. And the worst part, the absolute worst part is, I know you’d do it again, even though you don’t like me, because that’s just who you are.” Kennedy whipped around to glare at Tara. “What’s the deal here? I didn’t want to tell him all that!”
Tara gave an enigmatic smile that was so unequivocally Tara that Xander couldn’t help but smile, as well. “It’s the nature of the arena. This is a place for inner thoughts and feelings to be laid bare. You can shape your responses, if you so choose and are fast enough, but you can’t lie. That would defeat the purpose, after all.”
Xander had, of course, already clued into the fact that the Tara-shaped being in front of him wasn’t Tara. The words she was using wasn’t right. But the tones and inflections, her expressions, they were all so perfectly Tara that he was just soaking them up. Though he hadn’t loved her like Willow had, he had still loved her.
Kennedy continued glaring at Tara. “Well, here’s an inner thought and feeling for you: do you know how hard it is to be the first girlfriend after you? All I hear from people is how not like you I am. You were so sweet and so good, and so perfect. Coming after a ghost really sucks,” the dark haired girl complained bitterly.
Xander repressed the urge to point out that that wasn’t the result of following a ghost, but rather a result of following Tara. But he really didn’t want to piss off the girl that was fighting on behalf of him.
Tara smiled reassuringly at Kennedy. “You’ll find your own way. Willow loves how outspoken you are. That was something I could never be. Watch out.”
The sword whistled through the air, and Kennedy got her own sword up in time to block it. She parried quickly, putting the new arrival on defense, and Xander knew that Faith hated to be on defense. She definitely preferred to be on the attacking side.
Faith spun, her hair fanning out behind her. “Sorry, not my idea here!” Her voice was full of bitterness, and Xander had some idea of just how much Faith would hate to not be fully in control of her actions. Xander had spent his own fair amount of time as a spider eating butt monkey. Judging by the way she was moving, though, she was fighting against it as much as possible, giving Kennedy a fighting chance against Faith.
Kennedy grimaced, her leg darting out to try to catch Faith in the thigh. Faith flipped away neatly, and Xander was impressed all over again at how these girls smaller than him could move. “Yeah, whatever, deal with your crap with Xander so we can move on and sing kumbayas, okay?”
Faith’s body moved in a way that could only be described as a whole body shrug (hey, it’s hard to shrug your shoulders when you’re fighting with a sword). “I ain’t got no beef with Cyclops. Is that why I’m here?”
Kennedy shot a glare at Xander. “Then you deal with your crap with Faith! Either way, get it dealt with.”
Xander really wasn’t a fan of no-holds-barred, baring-your-soul conversations. Sure, he did it sometimes with Buffy and Willow, but they’d earned it from him. But Faith deserved this conversation, and while he didn’t really want to have it in front of Kennedy, he didn’t want her to get hurt because of him, either. Kennedy was a solid Slayer, yeah, and better than he’d expected considering her attitude, but Faith and Buffy were in a league of their own. Even with Faith not fighting with her all, the fight could only go on for so long before someone (Kennedy) got hurt. “Faith, I messed up with you. You deserved better.”
Faith raised an eyebrow at him, her sword a blur to Xander’s eye, and yet, somehow, Kennedy still managed to block it. “You remember that I tried to kill you, right?”
“Yeah. Which I thought meant I didn’t owe you an apology. You know, I should have done better by you, you tried to kill me, it’s all good, and hey, I can hate you. But I never hated you, and it didn’t make us even. Faith, I knew what kind of motel you were staying in. Besides which, even if it were actually a good one, a hotel? Really not the best place for a Slayer to stay. My place wouldn’t have been a lot better, but you could have stayed with Willow. Her parents wouldn’t have even noticed a second girl there. Or we could have talked to Joyce, the most motherly person in the existence of ever. Point is, there were options, and I didn’t take them, and I’m sorry, and now can you please stop fighting Kennedy?”
Kennedy did some kind of twisting motion and Faith’s sword went flying out of her hand. Xander wasn’t stupid, and he knew what that meant. His lips quirked up at Faith. “I guess that means you accept my apology?”
Faith shoved her hair out of her face. “Still don’t think you really had anything to be sorry for, but, yeah. It’s obvious that you needed to say it and hear that it’s all good. So, yeah, it’s all good, Xander. And for what it’s worth, I’m sorry for... well, a lot of it, actually. The wham-bam-thank-you-Xan, kicking you out afterwards, choking you, and then trying to kill everyone. And then taking over Buffy’s body and all the stuff that happened then.” Faith giving an apology made her look about as comfortable as she’d look wearing one of Buffy’s fuzzy pink sweaters. Faith scuffed her toes a few times against the sand, and Xander realized that the last time he’d seen Faith looking that unsure of herself was when she’d first arrived in Sunnydale. “Thanks for the letters you sent me in prison. They helped a lot. You and Angel were the only people who kept regular contact. It meant a lot.”
Kennedy’s head snapped up from where she was taking a breather, the sweat from the fight cooling on her body. “You wrote Faith letters? Does Willow know about that?”
Xander shook his head at Kennedy. “Contrary to popular belief, I don’t tell Willow everything. It wasn’t any of her business.” He focused his attention back on Faith. “It’s okay, Faith. You were a teenager, and you freaked out. You’ve tried to make up for it since then.”
Faith gave him a small smile. “And the letters?”
Xander shrugged. “They helped me, too. Besides. I liked hearing that you were doing better.”
Faith sat on the outcropping of rocks next to Tara, and Kennedy straightened up, aware that her little break was over. Anya swung the sword with both hands, lacking the strength of the Slayers, and Kennedy blocked it effortlessly. “Don’t hurt her,” Xander yelled at the brunette Slayer.
Kennedy grunted, blocking another swing with smooth control that wasn’t as effortless as the first now that she was working to not hurt Anya. “Wasn’t planning on it, Xander. Get your crap dealt with so I don’t have to keep blocking, okay?”
Xander started talking quickly, absorbing Anya’s presence as he did so, taking in all the little details of her, like the little line of determination between her eyebrows, the roots that were just beginning to show, the curve of her body against the hot desert air. “Anya, I’m sorry. You deserved a lot better than me, and I’m sorry for the wedding. It’s not that I didn’t trust you. I didn’t trust me.”
Anya gave him a look, swinging her sword clunkily. Rather than block, Kennedy just dodged it. “I know that. You still left me alone at our wedding. I had to explain to everyone that you had changed your mind. You left, you should have had to tell everyone! That’s the way it should work.” Another swing, and another dodge from Kennedy. “But no, you left, and I was left to tell everyone that you’d decided no, you weren’t going to marry me. Do you have any idea how humiliating that was? To tell my coworkers that I had fallen in love with a man who had changed his mind about me?” Anya gritted her teeth in determination, brown eyes scarred with hurt. “I gave up everything I was for you, Xander.”
“I know.” He spoke quietly, accepting full blame for something he knew was his fault. “I should have talked to you about the doubts I was feeling before our wedding day. I think we were right to not get married, but it shouldn’t have happened like that.”
Anya spoke bitterly, slashing at Kennedy, while Kennedy pirouetted away. “And the worst part is, I lost my best friend. We barely even spoke for a year, Xander!”
Xander couldn’t say the same back to her. Willow and Buffy had cemented themselves as his best friends before he’d even met Anya, let alone fell in love with her. So instead, he just nodded and said simply, “I’m sorry, Ahn. You deserved better.”
Anya dropped the sword to the sand, sending a puff of dust up when it hit the ground. “How does this work? Do I have to say something ceremonious or something?”
Well, that had been easy. Xander assumed it had something to do with him feeling guilty for something that Anya had already mostly worked through on her own, so she wasn’t clinging to the hurt and bitterness.
Tara shook her head. “You’re simply supposed to say whatever is inside you.”
Anya dove into Xander’s arms, hugging him tight. “I missed you.”
Xander kissed the top of her head. “I missed you, too.”
“Do me a favour?” She tilted her head up to look at him, and continued, “Be happy. You messed up with me, but you’re still a good guy. There’s a reason I fell in love with you.”
“I’ll try, Ahn. I just haven’t been feeling the romance lately.”
Anya gave him a sad smile. “Well, try. Let me live vicariously through you.”
“Are you happy where you are?” Xander needed to know that she was in a safe place. He didn’t know how he’d fix it if she weren’t, but he needed to know for his own peace of mind.
“I am. I get to look in on the people who mattered, and it makes me sad to see you not happy. So be happy so I can be happy.”
Xander was interrupted from replying by a sudden yell from Kennedy. “Oh, hell no! Not happening!” He looked over to see what she was yelling about, and saw Buffy approaching, sword drawn but not at the ready. “I am not fighting her, Xander. I don’t care how much I owe you.”
“I never thought you owed me, Kennedy.”
Kennedy glared at him. “Which is part of why I owed you. I’m still not fighting her. I’m not stupid enough to not realize that there’s no real reason I should have won against Faith. Not even trying against Buffy.”
Buffy grinned wolfishly at Kennedy, spinning the sword in a flashy movement. “You don’t wanna have at it and see what happens?”
“Nope.” Kennedy spoke flatly. “I have enough realism to know that you’d own my ass and enough pride to not want to see it happen.” And if that wasn’t proof that Kennedy had grown as a person, not just a Slayer, Xander didn’t know what was.
Buffy shrugged, hopping up on the rock next to Xander. “Let’s skip the hack and slash with the pointy object, then. Since when do we need a sword fight to talk through things, anyway?”
Faith tossed a stone, sending it arcing through the air. “How did you fight against the need to slice and dice?”
“I think Kennedy not wanting to fight helped. If she’d been willing, it probably would have been harder.” Buffy’s brow furrowed as she thought, before she shrugged again. “Meh. Not a big deal, really. So. Whatcha need to talk to me about, Xan?”
“Willow says kick his ass.” Xander ducked his head.
Buffy’s eyes widened. “Oh. We’re finally going to talk about this, after ignoring it for over five years?”
Xander shrugged, a ghost of a smile on his face. “It seemed like the thing to do. I mean, I’m here, you’re here, supposed to deal with stuff that never got dealt with, all that jazz.”
“You know that I’m not stupid, right? I remember Willow’s reaction when I brought it up with the whole Anya thing.” Buffy arched a slim eyebrow at him.
He nodded. “I know. But I guess we’re supposed to talk about it, so. I lied. And I could tell you that it’s because the world was at stake and you were at stake, and yeah, that’s true, but there’s still that part of me that wanted Angel out of the way because he was stupid when it came to you and you were stupid when it was about him, and I was stupid about both of you, and really, there was just a lot of stupid going around.”
Buffy gave a humourless laugh. “Really? That’s what you’re going with? That we were all stupid?”
“Hey, if it’s true, it’s true. Mostly, and I can’t stress this enough, I was the one who was being stupid when it came to him. I just couldn’t see straight, especially when it was him and you.”
She scootched closer to him on the rock. “Anything else you need to add in?”
“I’d do it again, if the same situation came up. Because I don’t think I was wrong. He would have killed you and the world was at stake.” Xander thought for a long moment. “Yeah, I think that’s it. You’re taking this a lot better than I thought you would.”
Buffy shrugged once again. “Hey. Like I said, I’m not stupid. I put the pieces together after Willow said ‘I never said —’. We’re okay, if that’s what you’re worried about.”
Xander looked to Tara. “Is there anything else that needs to happen?”
She stood, brushing the sand off her skirt. “Now comes the judgment.” The five of them looked at Joyce expectantly.
Joyce smiled encouragingly at Xander. “Your Champion fought well and defended you admirably.”
Kennedy snorted. “Yeah, this wasn’t really trial by combat, was it? You wanted me to work through my issues with Xander, too, didn’t you?”
“Not just with Xander. With yourself as well,” Tara explained. “You’ve been comparing yourself to myself, Faith and Buffy, and found yourself wanting. Stop comparing yourself to legends and ghosts, and just be you. Willow chose you for a reason, and she’s a good judge of people.”
Kennedy leaned on the sword, much the way she had when she’d first arrived in the desert. “Does that mean we can wake up now? Because seriously. Beach with Willow. I want to get as much Beach-Willow time as I can.”
Joyce smiled at the impulsive Slayer. “Yes. You can go home. The issues that needed to come to light have, and that was the point of this.” Joyce, Tara and Faith seemed to shimmer brightly, and then faded from visibility.
Xander slung his arms around Buffy and Faith, and made a gesture at Kennedy for her to join the group shuffle-hug. “Is this where I’m supposed to say that there’s no place like home? Because I don’t have the ruby slippers.”
He’s pretty sure that he heard Buffy groan before he woke up.
The Wizard of Oz did have a point, though. There really was no place like home.
THE END